Thursday, 31 January 2013

Learning, if not yet forgiving

I have regrets. Who doesn't? Big ones, small ones, long-term ones and 'shouldn't have had that third slice of pizza' ones. I tell myself, on occasion, that I ought not to have them - since the things I regret most about my past are also the things that, down a long line of always choosing the easy option, led me to him. I would not go back and kick my 16 year old butt - given the second chance I would have done all the stupid things, hurt all the people, given up all the chances again. And again and again, because there is no other way I would have been at that party on that night (in those kneehigh red boots) to meet him.  I would fall through the gaps of a million lifetimes to be sure that I would be there.

Still, sometimes, when I have to ring him to cancel our lunch date so that I can study, when I have to spend another Saturday at work instead of with him, I cannot help but resent my past self her indulgences that have left this inheritance.
And yet again, I know that the guilt of those indulgences, the fear of where they will lead if I do not do something - anything - right now - are what drive me. Without those regrets, I would still be blowing it off to go for lunch. So, yes, I am disappointed with myself, but that provides the chip on my shoulder that I need - if I did not feel like a failure, I would not need to prove to myself that I won't always be one.

And now, now it is so much easier to see what I want most of all, for he stands right before me. With him pointing at tomorrow it is easier to keep running towards it.

Tuesday, 15 January 2013


The trick, I have found, with new years resolutions, is to think carefully about the couple of months ahead. Consider that it is January; dark and gloomy and fuckin' freezin' - you will not want to eat salad, or go for a run (you will also not want to go outside for a fag. Pro tip; to quit smoking, consistently forget your scarf). Consider that in a mere 6 weeks, the shops will be full of half price valentine's chocolate and the streets full of unimaginative tossers clutching roses and card-shop teddy-bears. This is not the time to diet, or exercise, or cut down on the booze. You do not, under any circumstances, want to be facing reality. At least not until June.
On the other hand, RIGHT NOW is the perfect time to reduce that pile of unread books by your bed (it's taken 3 years, but I have cut mine down to a mere 48 unread books owned), or to finally get around to watching that Burning of the Red Lotus Temple boxset. January is a good time to attempt to break your own longest lie-in record, or to win a Rummikub championship.
This January, I am learning, at last, to knit. Or rather, not to knit - as that's the only bit I can already do. I am learning to purl. To this end, I grabbed the fattest needles I could find and got stuck into this pattern, and am now officially master of the circular needles. 

Unfortunately, my 2am self-portraiture skills remain un-improved (photographing your own neck while disguising the fact that you are wearing pyjamas is extremely difficult), but never mind - if you're anything like me you'll be too busy trying to read what's on my bookshelf to notice the prat in the foreground anyway.


I was always quite spoilt as a little girl. One of the joys of growing up with two older half brothers (little sister not being born until I was 8, and already rotten to the core) was that I had all the fun of siblings - wrestling in the living room, threatening other kids with them, beating them at board games by changing the rules half way through - but only at weekends. Which, combined with their male inability to value a My Little Pony Cloud Castle or a 3 story Barbie townhouse (with working lift), meant that I was never required to do any of that disgusting ''sharing'' thing that my friends had to.
The same trend continues today, I am still horendously overindulged by both parents*; this christmas my Daddy made me - MADE me - a peg loom. That iPad you got is looking pretty crappy now, huh? 
My peg loom is crafted from beautiful oak, with decorative routed edging and two sets of different size interchangeable pegs to use with different weight yarns. It's gorgeous, but not quite as gorgeous as the Daddy who made it.

(*thank you)