Wednesday, 11 May 2011

Proclamation of the Plants

Do you know how many carrots your average vegetarian eats per day? How many poor innocent potatoes are murdered by those greedy herbivore bastards? Is it fair that so many cauliflower must die at the hands of these plant-eaters?
It is not broccoli's fault that he is not as cute as the ickle lamb. It is not cabbage's fault that she is not as anthropomorphic as a piglet. Why should we believe the vegetarian's cry that they 'love all living things' when they so clearly reserve there love only for the animal kingdom, forsaking the root, the grass and the fruit for the mere 'needs' of there diet. Hitler was a vegetarian.
Carrie is a solider in this war against the blatant prejudice against autotrophs, this botanic butchery, this massacring (not to mention mashing) of plants. She specialises in nocturnal manoeuvres, using the cover of darkness and her excellent night vision to raid kitchens the length and breath of Britain; blunting knives, denting graters and drilling holes in saucepans to protect her vegetable comrades from the tortures they can inflict.
In her time off from cook-house carnage, Carrie enjoys lace making and bee-keeping.

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