Thursday, 13 May 2010

The Flood

God said (in a James Mason voice), "No, no, everything is bad.I will send a flood, kill everything and start again."
It was the Etch A Sketch end of the world, basically: ''No, no. Don't know what that is, don't recognise that any more." (Remember with Etch A Sketch when you'd done a house and a sun at the top, you'd try to do a dog down here and you had to leave vapour trails all the way along. ''Oh, bugger it.'' And you shake it up, destroy the whole thing.)
So God said, "I will sent a flood. 40 days, 40 nights and lots of umbrellas. But I will save two of everything because it looks good on a seesaw photo.Noah, stop what you're doing and build me an ark."
And Noah (played here by Sean Connery): "I'm working on a speedboat at the moment. It's much more exciting - bigger engine and it can
shoot across the water."
"No, I want an ark with a big room for poo."
"Look, a speedboat, it'll kick ass.''
"No, you'll build me an ark. You can put a big engine in that if you want."
"OK, I suppose. It's a compromise."

So, he built an ark and that was great. Then he collected two of every animal from all around the world,
"What have we got here? Two dogs, OK. Two sheep? Well done. On you get, sit along the side there. Two cats, Inside the boat. Two ducks?"
The ducks are going, "We're not coming."
"There's going to be an enormous fuck-off flood."            
"So? What's the big problem?"

There's a huge hole in the whole flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to kill everything. God didn't say, "I will kill everything except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole." Anything that could float - your bad ducks, your bad geese, your bad swans - got away with it. Even bad pilot fish with those little lights on the top.
It's a big hole in the whole thing.
--- --- ---
That's one of the flaws in the Bible, as explained by Eddie Izzard. And it serves perfectly to demonstrate the inadequacies in my thought process, which went like this:
I have two pictures of Cat Sockies, and I have two pictures of Monkey Sockies. I could build an ark and sing that song about the animals going in two by two... but if I sing, people will run screaming and they will cry, and any electrical equipment around me will break... hmm, anyway it wasn't two of each on the ark, I learned from QI it was 5 or 7 or something,* but I suppose it's all irrelevant anyway because it's all a fairy story... that story by Julian Barnes about the animal on the ark is very good**... I should go re-read it, except I lent my copy to someone. Oh wait, what's the bit Eddie Izzard does about the ark? 
Anyway, that's how we got where we are. Sorry. Moving on: that above is Cat. Cat used to be called Lucy, but was re-named by her owner (a two year old girl who was very pleased with her own cleverness as identifying Cat's species). To the right is Marvel, who lives in Norway and likes to do magic tricks. He hopes one day to own a top hat to sleep in, but until then he uses a wedding hat from Marks & Spencers. 
So there you go, 2 cats. If you were Noah, you'd be feeling pretty pleased with your progress right about now.
This is Dwain. Dwain is a monkey, even though you can't see his tail in this photo, and his ears are squashed by his pencil. He needs his pencil because he's a building contractor from Newcastle. Even though Dwain lives in London now, he is very proud of his accent - a fact not diminished by how often he has heard 'Why-eii man' said in terrible imitation of Geordie. Most people are no where near as original as they think they are. 
I must confess something I feel terribly guilty about here. Last time I was telling you about my monkeys I completely forgot one. This has left Toby (full name Toby After-Olie, because it was noted while I was making him that he apparently looks like my friend Toby Olie. I take no responsibility for this comparison, it was in no way intentional and I make no comment about any supposed similarity***.) with some mental scaring and abandonment issues, but he doesn't let that get in his way. Toby fights the forces of darkness, and can be seen here with  his business partner $uave Jr - $uave is using Toby to fend off vampires.
For purposes of comparison, I include here a photo of the original Toby Olie***. This Toby does not fight the forces of darkness, instead he prats about in a wicker basket pretending to be a Horse. I leave you to draw your own conclusion.
* I can't remember exactly what Stephen Fry said, but here is an interesting hypothetical conversation about the number of animals on the ark. 
*** Sorry Toby.

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